Homesickness

I have been feeling extremely, painfully homesick lately. I really miss all the great things that are back at home. I have a wonderful immediate family and an awesome extended family that lives nearby back home. I love being at Cedarville where I am surrounded by awesome friends that genuinely care, but I still long for home.

My friend Tyler Scott mentioned something yesterday, about longing for heaven. This world is a set-up to make us want more than there is. What happens in this world should make us long for heaven. My words cannot do justice the exact phrase Tyler said, but I tried.

So in my homesickness, I see how much I need to be longing for heaven as I live on this world. I must live with purpose where I am now, but continue to be longing for heaven every step of the way. Its great for me to be longing for home and missing my family, because it shows how much I treasure them in my life. But I can't let that get in the way of where I am now. So this state of "missing home" must go down to the bottom of the list of priorities as I set my mind on honoring God by doing well in my studies. (But I'm still counting down until October 14th -- Fall Break!!) As far as my feelings go (missing home hurts), God satisfies. He speaks in the silence in a still, small voice, waiting for me to draw near to him.

"Don't waste it. Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the max every situation you believe to be in the will of God."

~Jim Elliot

Abstract Philosophy

I am puzzled by people who think a meaningful conversation can consist of abstract thoughts that probably will not have any impact in the world. I could never be a philosophy major because of this. I get completely lost when people start talking about abstract things that I don't think relates to anything tangible. I am not a shallow thinker, rather, I quite enjoy deep thinking. In my mind, however, I need to make connections between the deep thoughts and how they apply here and now, or the near future. When the deep thoughts extend beyond these, I get completely lost and start asking myself What are we accomplishing by talking about this? How does this relate to where I am in life? How can this help me later on in life? Is this conversation a waste of time? I think people can sit around and talk about nothing in particular and build their relationship by spending time with each other (not a waste of time). I think "meaningless" conversations can be held with the purpose of amusement (not a waste of time)... which brings me to the thought that perhaps people who talk about abstract philosophical things do it for their own amusement. It's just not for me. I don't enjoy talking about things that do not relate to living life now or in the near future. Is there anything wrong with choosing not to improve my mind in abstract philosophy? This question leads me to a bigger question. What is abstract philosophy good for?

God is so good. When I am completely confused and lost, God shows himself Sovereign amidst it all.

So... good story from the past couple of weeks (this is the short-ish version):

I came back to Cedarville hoping to make it onto a HeartSong touring team (there is a significant salary that comes with the job, and it would help ends meet as far as school expenses go). I was not expecting to get on a team, but I had high hopes because of encouragement my friends and family had sending my way. When I didn't make callbacks for the touring team, I decided to try for a youth ministry touring team, just to see if God had that in mind for me. I didn't really have time to get my hopes up over the youth ministry touring team spot, so it didn't bother me much when I didn't make it onto a team. I began to think of all the things I could do since I didn't have a job on a touring team (it would involve me being on tour all summer). I thought about missions trips I could go on, or even the possibilities of working at a camp next summer. I started to get excited about all the things I could get involved in at Cedarville. Then the parental forces reminded me that it would be a good idea to get a job. I was getting ready to leave for a family camping trip, so setting up a job before leaving didn't sound like the best idea, as I would need to find a substitution right away. So I decided to put that off until after family camping. A couple of days before I left for my trip (two days, to be exact) an Army recruiter came to my nursing class to talk about scholarship opportunities. I thought, hmmm, I have never really put much thought into Army ROTC... why not find out more? Well, it turned out that I needed to decide by that Thursday to sign up for the Military Science class to begin the process of joining the program. I stacked up all the benefits and decided to go for it. I got all my class-adding paperwork in Thursday afternoon before leaving to go home. After an enjoyable weekend with the extended family, I got back to school and resumed classes with a lack of enthusiasm for homework (I had gotten a little behind from being gone all weekend).

Monday morning I went to PT (physical training) and ran and did push-ups and burpees and diamond push-ups and sit-ups until I felt like I was going to throw up. It felt good though... until I started falling asleep in every class the rest of the day.

On Tuesday I didn't have PT in the morning, but had my first Military Science class later in the day. I enjoyed the class, and it didn't seem like it would be too hard.

On Wednesday I woke up at 4:30 to run in to PT with the Army ROTC girls. It was a five mile run in, and I had injured my leg slightly in tennis class the day before. I ran on the leg with pain on every other step, hoping adrenaline would kick in any minute (it didn't). The pain in my knee got worse as the day went on. I ended up limping to every class, hopping up and down stairs, and falling asleep in class from exhaustion. (I had been going to bed early, at the expense of not being prepared for class the next day.) I was frustrated because my leg wasn't feeling great, and other factors were welling up inside of me. I had been feeling homesick ever since I got back from the family camping trip (I got all choked up every time I would talk to my parents on the phone, even when I would leave a message on either of their phones). At lunch on Wednesday, all my emotions exploded. I was eating lunch with a dear friend, and she asked me how things were going. I began to weep as I told her how confused I was, not knowing why I was so emotional. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't know why I was doing Army ROTC because I didn't hardly have time to ask myself why. I kept crying because I didn't know what God wanted for my life, and everything was so uncertain. I couldn't stop crying pretty much the rest of the day (I was able to suck it up for my ROTC field lab). My eyes hurt because I had been crying so much. I talked to my parents and some friends, and later in the evening I had come to the consensus that I would stick with Army ROTC for a few more weeks just to make sure that I gave God time to tell me if it was the right thing to do. I felt that since I had jumped into it so suddenly, I shouldn't jump right out of it just as suddenly.

Thursday I received an email that the 75% refund period for dropping classes was ending on Friday. I prayed about dropping the class right away, and everything I had been talking about with my parents and grandparents started to come together into one unified thought. The Army is not for me. I just knew it. I knew that I could endure the physical challenges and the mental challenges that come with Army ROTC, but I didn't think I could do it emotionally. I am really close to my family (it's hard enough being 6 hours away at Cedarville). I couldn't fathom being far away for four years after school with only 30 vacation days a year. I knew I had to drop the program. I had also been thinking about why I joined the program. I joined the program so that I could have the money to finish at Cedarville debt free. Then I asked myself why I wanted to stay at Cedarville. Well, because I love the ministry opportunities and all the neat events to volunteer for, and I love my friends here. I then realized that I would not be able to keep up with all that if I was juggling 18 credit hours and labs and homework and studying. I am missing out on the things that I love about Cedarville by joining ROTC so that I can stay all four years. I talked to my advisor, and she was very encouraging about the situation. She commended me for trying the program, and got me set up to drop the class. After all the logistics went through of dropping the class and withdrawing from the program, I felt an immense peace. God immediately provided a job interview on campus (that I am still waiting to hear back from), and an opportunity to help lead worship at a nearby church with some friends. Right now I feel like I am exactly where God wants me, and I am open to wherever he will take me next, even if it does mean leaving Cedarville. I don't want my desires to stay at Cedarville to fight against God's beautiful plans for me. So I am going to live like it's my last year here, and be open to whatever God has in store. I want to get involved in ministry, volunteer at various events, and put 100% into my studies. I can't wait to see what God has for me. Now I only need to develop the patience to live out each day without wondering what's next, because I'll never know until God wants me to know.

I know that God is good! HE IS... SOVEREIGN!