Good emotions

Lately I have been extremely emotional. And I love it. I have been overwhelmed daily by God's love for me. When I am in chapel, I find myself pausing and praying during the singing time as I am blown away by the words of the songs. I cried at least 3 times when I read "The Shack" over the weekend. The author portrays God's love in such a beautiful, relational way. I get choked up when I talk to my family on the phone and they tell me how much they love me or demonstrate it in a really neat way. I get full of happy feelings when my roommate gives me a hug and asks me how my day was. Lately I have been privileged to experience real love (the love of God) in a tangible way. And I love it! I love God's love. God's love isn't just a feeling that we get when God does something neat. God's love is expressed through other believers. I am so blessed to be surrounded by His beautiful, immeasurable, tangible love. This song by John Mark Mcmillin has blessed me lately. It's called "Oh how he loves us."

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

[Whispered]: Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died and You met me between my breaking
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony
...they want to tell me You're cruel
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...[voice breaks]...

Cause He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Loving a Stranger

How does one show the love of God to a complete stranger? To someone who doesn't have time to talk to you? For example, a cashier at Walmart. Is a friendly smile and a few kind words enough? Can something as simple as that communicate the love of God, without making it obvious that I am a follower of Christ? I need to be more intentional about spreading God's love, because it is my purpose on this earth! The world doesn't need a "religion" fed to them. They need to see Christians loving them, loving each other, and loving others.

A brief, yet important train of thought...

Why is it so hard to shut down my computer and go to bed?

I don't really have anything in particular on which to reflect this evening. I had mentioned in an earlier post, and I quote, "If I have absolutely nothing to write on any given day, then it should be a sign to me that I am not really living a life filled with Christ." I look back and disagree with myself. My day seemed to be a beautiful reflection of enjoying the life God has given me. I woke up at 7:30 AM without an alarm and took a shower right away. I finished my humanities outline while eating breakfast. I enjoyed watching several episodes of The Office: Season 2, outside on the patio since it was a beautiful day. (That was my way of rewarding myself for getting my outline done.) I went to babysit the Macfields, and ended up bringing them to my house to swim and play tennis. After a family dinner... yes, all six of us, in the same house! (what a blessing), I went over to my cousins' house to feed Murphy and take him for a run. After running about 1.5 miles with him, I watched another episode of The Office (I had to do something while I stretched!). It was getting dark, so I speedily ran another 1.5 miles home, where I was enticed by my swimming pool with the pool cover off still. I enjoyed a lovely 9:30PM swim with my two younger brothers. I don't think I need to get something philosophically or spiritually profound out of my day in order to have a Spirit-filled life. I feel His joy by enjoying the blessings He has granted me.

Procrastination

I have found that I am an excellent procrastinator. I am not proud of it. I can't think of a single thing that is better if put off for a long time... except... perhaps I can safely procrastinate "finding a husband," even though I'm not looking for one. But really, procrastination may be my biggest weakness. It is a huge problem, and I want to fix it. I must figure out why I procrastinate, to be able to come up with a long-term solution for the problem. I think it all comes down to "what I wanna do," or "what I would rather do." I would rather play Upwords with my family than write my humanities outline that has been hanging over me all weekend like a vulture over a gazelle carcass. I would rather go to bed early than write my humanities outline. I would rather plan a surprise for my sister's birthday than write my humanities outline. I would rather clean the kitchen than write my humanities outline. I would rather go running with Murphy (cousin's dog) than write my humanities outline. I just don't wanna do it! The longer I say "I don't wanna," the easier it is for me to put it off. I tell myself that I will feel much more motivated if I do something pleasurable before starting working on the outline. But once I do something fun and start on the outline, then I just want to keep having fun. I really just need to change my attitude about the procrastinated task before it eats me alive. I could get so much done if I convinced myself that I was interested in the subject material. I really do enjoy the history of art, literature, and music, and I find it very interesting how they all relate to each other in the grand scheme of things. I really am interested in it. Now I merely have to come up with motivators. If I write a really good outline, it will make the paper really easy for me to write later this week, and I can turn it in early and get extra credit! Now THAT'S a motivator. Whenever I feel like saying, "I don't wanna!" I should tell myself "I really want to do this; the sooner, the better!" It's all an attitude adjustment. I'm not lying to myself; I'm simply kicking the virus out of my system and letting myself be run by the ultimate operating system. This operating system is full of purpose! Procrastination keeps me from living a purposeful life. I need to surrender my procrastination to the Lord, and ask Him to keep my attitude in check and give me joy in accomplishing the necessary tasks in life. Is it really that simple?

I did actually have a good day at Old Navy today. I don't know if I just got lucky to not run into grumpy customers, or maybe God sent me a bunch of "angels" in the form of pleasant shoppers. Or maybe God helped me to focus on the good things that happened throughout the day. It may have had something to do with me only working 5 hours today. Whatever it was, it was a good day, and I want to keep giving God control of my attitude.

I thought this quote by Charles Swindol adequately summed up everything I have reflected on today:

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.

So I will wake up tomorrow morning and choose the attitude that I want to have -- one that is full of purpose.

It's not about me.

I went to Mars Hill Church this morning, and Rob Bell gave the message. He got down to the bottom of why we gather together (why we go to church). Since I knew it would be a compelling message, I made sure to take detailed notes so I could remember the message so God could continue to teach me through it. Rob mentioned how in the times before Christ, the Jews did many things to be sacred/set apart. Their temple was the very dwelling place of God, and was therefore sacred/holy/set apart. The high priest was set apart and wore special garments to distinguish him as the mediator between man and God. When Christ died, the temple curtain into the Holy of Holies (the place where only the high priest was allowed, where he would talk to God) was split in two, showing that we no longer needed the high priest to mediate for us. The people could then speak to God directly. I had heard that point made many times, but what Rob said next opened up a window to a new realm of thought for me. "Not only could people then go in and talk to God, but God could then COME OUT." Many Christians still keep God boxed into the church building, but HE IS EVERYWHERE. According to I Corinthians 3:16, we (Christians) are God's temple, and God's Spirit lives in us. So before Christ's death, there were two separate realms: the sacred and the common. But now, God's dwelling place is in us, the common. The sacred is found in the common! Many people go to church to find God... but He is everywhere! The purpose of a sermon should be to heighten our awareness of God in everything else. I'm not talking like, "God is in the tree," or "God is in the flower." I'm saying, "I saw God in that situation," and "God brought this person into my life for a reason," and "God blessed me in this today," and "That was a God-thing." I use that last one often. I now realize that EVERYTHING IS A GOD-THING. I am just not always looking for Him.

I really liked one thing that Rob Bell said in response to Matthew 25 (whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me). He said, "Real followers are the ones who find Jesus in the least of these. They can see everyone as a sacred creation of God, infinitely valued by the creator. It made me ask myself how much I really value others. It is easy to value those who are encouraging to me. But do I value those who don't really care about me? It's easy to honor those who have power and money and can give to me in various ways, but do I honor the person who cannot give anything in return? The people living on the street who really look like they have messed up their lives are sacred creations of God. I need to value them as Christ does. The people who cannot keep any friends because they are bitter and malicious are sacred creations of God. I need to value them as Christ does. I need to stop walking through life with this consumer mentality, always looking for how someone can help me. I need to instead walk through life with a servant mentality, seeking what I can give to others. The bitter, malicious, friendless person needs Jesus. The homeless person needs Jesus.

That brings me to another point. Mars Hill recently started a ministry called the "White Bucket Project." They started by collecting donations in these white buckets during a church service. They then formed a group that found people in the community who had financial needs, and they consulted 300 some families and individuals. They found out what their specific needs were, and they worked to help their needs. So far, they have given over $40,000 to needy families and individuals. Now THAT is what church is about. It's about serving others. It's not about gathering together to produce happy feelings like, "Oh isn't it great that I'm able to get away from my crazy school schedule and sit and worship with all these other believers!" Yes, that's great... but that's not what it's all about. My worship should be exploding out of my being every day! I should be looking for God in my job, in my relationships, in my schoolwork, because my goal in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him. How am I to enjoy Him if I can't even see Him because I'm not looking? I liked a line from the movie Prince Caspian. When Lucy saw Aslan and Peter didn't, Peter said, "Why didn't I see him?" Lucy replied, "Maybe you weren't looking for him." That line always gives me chills down my spine.

On a separate topic, I was reading in Psalms after the service this morning and found a verse that stuck out to me. Psalm 113:9 says, "He settles the barren woman in her home -- as a happy mother of children." Some may take this verse to mean that he gives the barren woman children. Although God has done this many times in the past (Hannah the mother of Samuel, Elizabeth the mother of John the Baptist, Rachel the mother of Joseph and Benjamin, and many others) I took a different interpretation of the verse. I took it to mean that God satisfies the barren woman where she is. She longs to have children, but God reveals to her that He is her strength and her portion. She finds happiness in the Lord. I then put a spin on it for my own application. God sees the single girl who desires to have someone close to her to love and cherish her, and he satisfies her with His love. He makes her as happy as she would be if she had that desire fulfilled.

Yet I am always with you;

you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

~Psalm 73:23-26

I especially like that last verse. God is my strength and my portion forever. he knows what's best for me, so I need not fear any uncertainty in life, because He knows what He's doing. It's all a God-thing.

This was going to be a shorter post, but I get to thinking... then words explode out of my fingers and onto the keyboard of my white MacBook (affectionately called "Lily the Leopard" for the leopard print skin on the front). I'm trying to get in the habit of going to bed before 11pm, and I'm cutting it close tonight. One more thought...I'm working at Old Navy, and I need to get my attitude into shape. I have worked at Old Navy for two years now, and it's getting old. I'm getting more fed up with customers and generally annoyed with many things about the job. When it all comes down to it, I have been feeding a selfish spirit, thinking that I need to be doing something that makes me happy, and retail isn't doing it for me. I need to be thankful that God has let me keep this job, and see it as mission field. It's not about me, it's about glorifying God by serving others.

Beginnings

I recently decided (today, in fact) that I needed to start blogging. My first thought spurning from this decision was, "But won't it just be another time waster late at night keeping me from sleeping?" I quickly silenced that thought, insisting to myself that this blog will help me sleep at night, as I gather thoughts in my head and organize them into a coherent form on the Internet. I want to spend more time on this blog than on facebook (which means that I will have to drastically shorten my time on facebook each day). I pray that this blog will help me to discover more vividly how I relate to God by reflecting on how I saw Him in my day, or how I see him working in a specific area in my life. I don't want this blog to become a burden, an imposition on my schedule, or an obligation, rather I want it to be a tool to keep me accountable for how richly I am living life. If I have absolutely nothing to write on any given day, then it should be a sign to me that I am not really living a life filled with Christ. So I begin...

I read a lot today. I actually started and completed a whole book all in one day. I don't think I have ever done that before. I read "Of Knights and Fair Maidens" by Jeff and Danielle Myers. It's another one of those "dating books;" more specifically, this book is about courtship. I came away from reading that book without having any revolutionary thoughts or making a decision to change my way of thinking about relationships. I don't really know what I thought about it. I think what bothered me about it was that it listed multitudinous ways to make courtship work really well, that is, without emotional pain. I agree with avoiding pain in the context of avoiding an abusive relationship, but the book listed scores of topics for a courting couple to talk about to prepare themselves for marriage. The book even suggests that the man find out how much time it takes to care for a house, and that he knows how to fix things that break (windows, doors, faucets, the furnace, etc.). It also suggests that the couple discuss "What rituals do you go through before starting on a business trip? Going to bed? Going on vacation? Getting ready in the morning? Do you prefer to talk or not talk at those times?" Although those are helpful things to find out before marriage, I think many of the things the book lists can be figured out after the couple is married, and the couple can still thrive as married people. The book seemed to suggest a "happily ever after" that could be achieved by following all the ideas written in its pages. Everyone knows that marriage is not "happily ever after." It takes a lot of hard work to keep going, but it is so worth it! So many people are enamored with the view that life is about making sure that you are happy. Life is not about "happily ever afters." Life entails much pain, but it is often through the painful times (more often than the happy times) that God teaches us the most about ourselves and our relationship to Him.

That reminds me of something I read yesterday that Shauna Niequist wrote in her book "Cold Tangerines." She was discussing how people are searching for something permanent in their lives. A permanent home, a permanent job, a permanent church family... something to remain stable so they can feel secure. She wrote,

"Everything is interim. Everything is a path or a preparation for the next thing, and we never know what the next thing is. Life is like that, of course, twisty and surprising. But life with God is like that exponentially. We can dig in , make plans, write in stone, pretend we're not listening, but the voice of God has a way of being heard. It seeps in life smoke or vapor even when we have barred the door against any last-minute changes, and it moves us to different countries and different emotional territories and different ways of living. It keeps us moving and dancing and watching, and never lets us drop down into a life set on cruise control or a life ruled by a remote control. Life with God is a daring dream, full of flashes and last-minute exits and generally all the things we've said we'll never do. And with the surprises comes great hope."

I believe that hope is that God has it all under control. When I think I have it under control to prevent unpleasant or uncertain things from happening, God throws a curve ball to show me that as much as I plan away my whole life, He is the one who really controls it all. And I love that!... because I know that I am in God's hands... and that is the best place to be [I first wrote "the safest place to be," but then I realized that a life full of Christ is not about being safe; it is about glorifying Him not matter the cost].

So, combining my last two thoughts, one can prepare and prepare for marriage, but they cannot possibly be totally prepared for the wild ride God has planned. The most important thing is that the couple is truly committed to staying together "til death do us part," "for better or worse, rich or poor," you get the picture. I'm not completely discrediting the book "Of Knights and Fair Maidens"; I suggest you read it (less than 120 pages; easy read) and contemplate if you want to take a form of courtship with your future relationship, or with the one you have right now. The book has some good tips.

Now, if you are still reading, I want to write one more thing before I retire this evening. I was driving home from a slightly mediocre day at Old Navy (my place of employment) in which I fought a bad attitude in myself all day (upon which I will probably elaborate in another post), and I heard this beautiful song by Addison Road called "What Do I Know of Holy." Upon hearing the first three lines of the song, I knew it would be one of those songs that I simply must purchase on iTunes immediately and listen to it over and over and reflect on it. The lyrics are wonderful, but you really must listen to it for yourself to get the full effect of the song.

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

It made me realize again how unworthy I am of God's attention and grace. I am a lowly human being who can scarcely comprehend what Holy means. I serve a Big God who created me and knows how dirty and sinful I am, and yet he lavishes his grace on me daily! It brings me to tears as I write this. He has been and is continually so good to me, yet I barely make time to spend fifteen minutes in His word every day. I should be so enraptured by the mystery of God's love, that I should be reaching out to him daily, yearning to learn from His word how much he loves me.

Congratulations if you made it to the end of this post. I am not writing it to be easy to read; I am writing it merely to gather my thoughts so that I may learn more from each day. I hope that you are edified and encouraged to draw nearer to God by reading this blog.