A few late-night thoughts on humility and pride

This blog is a reflection and an elaboration of other thoughts after having read Josh's blog.

A question I have is, Why didn't Jesus go minister to the rich? After all, they needed salvation too. I guess after writing out the question, it seems easy to answer :-P They had their ideals and the system was working for them, so they didn't think they needed Jesus; in fact, Jesus' teaching was turning the whole system upside down. He was a threat to their belief system. They were not ready for Jesus' message because they were prideful. I catch myself becoming puffed up in my Bible knowledge instead of being overwhelmed by God's grace. I certainly don't deserve to have a relationship with the Almighty God, but because of his grace I can enjoy that fellowship! I should not be proud of how much I am learning and pat myself on the back; rather, I need to take what I am learning and use it to boast about how good God is. The religious leaders prided themselves on how well they knew the scriptures and how perfectly they put the law into practice. Jesus took the socially low and the outcast who realized they were sinners, and turned them into recipients of His grace -- and they couldn't help but tell others about their experience!

Some thoughts from others:

"I think Christians use Jesus Christ as a shortcut for being right, and in the process they bypass becoming humble or wise." ~ McLelan

"Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind." ~ C.S. Lewis

"The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God." Psalm 51:17

"True humility is knowing you are completely reliant on God." ~ Tom Aldrich

"God creates everything out of nothing -- and everything which God is to use he first reduces to nothing." ~ Soren Kierkegaard

"Shall I, Lord Jesus, dare to speak to you, I who am but dust and ashes?" ~ Thomas a Kempis

The message of Ecclesiastes

I sporadically studied the book of Ecclesiastes this summer, and although I noticed Solomon’s realization of God desiring our pleasure on this earth, I was missing a huge point of the book. I had puzzled over the meaning of the word meaningless or vanity, depending on the translation of the Bible you use. I had thought it to mean worthless and of no significance. This explanation made no sense to me as I applied it to the passages. At the beginning of the first chapter the author writes Meaningless! Meaningless! Everything is meaningless! To me it seemed to imply that one gets no benefits from life on this earth, and all the things we put our time and effort into don’t amount to anything. I disagreed with this initial interpretation, because I had seen wonderful people work hard at pouring into other people’s lives and make a huge impact on them. That did not seem meaningless to me. When vanity or meaningless is interpreted as affected by the fall it all makes sense.

Solomon had realized through his life that everything was affected by the fall. We humans are stuck in this world where justice is not carried out consistently, lazy fools can succeed in life, and bad things happen to righteous people. Unexplainable tragedies like cancer, war, car accidents, and heart attacks happen. Everyone eventually dies. It is especially tragic when someone who loved many, dies “early.” Many people blame God for “taking them away” or “letting them get sick.” They can’t explain why God does it, because they don’t realize that it’s not His fault! The Devil wants us to blame the unexplainable tragedies in life on God. Terminal illnesses, car accidents, paralyzation -- all these heartbreaking events or conditions exist as a result of the fall. It broke God’s heart when Adam and Eve committed the sin that kicked them out of the garden and tore them from a painless life full of enjoyment and intimate communion with God. He wants us to make the most of the world in which we live, despite the fact that every facet of life is affected by the fall.

There are two main factors that keep us from enjoying life on this sin-affected earth. The first is that we don’t know what is good for us. I see this in my own life, especially in my lack of finances. I feel that if God provided all the necessary finances to get me through school without having to take out any loans, I would be better off. God obviously has other plans and is wanting to teach me a lesson through trials, hard work, and trusting in His provision. The second factor that keeps us from enjoying the earth is that we don’t know the future. I have been struggling with this one a lot lately. I don’t know if God is going to keep me at Cedarville for the remainder of my schooling, of if he is going to move me close to home. The uncertainty of things is overwhelming. I sometimes wish God would just magically tell me the future so I would know how to prepare myself for what is to come and what to look forward to and get excited about. I tend to spend more time worrying about where God might have me next instead of focusing on where he has put me now. I need to find ways that God can use me where I am.

My grandma told me that the best way to find enjoyment on this earth is to pour your life into something greater than yourself. My grandparents are an excellent example of this. They pour their time and energy into other people: getting to know them, helping meet the needs of others, encouraging others during hard times. They have been through their share of hardships in this fallen world, yet they are the happiest people I know. They are happy because they know that they are serving God with their lives. I want to be like them. I want to use every breath God has given me on this crummy, fallen world to invest in the lives of others. The best way for me to find joy in my pain on this earth is to “banish anxiety from [my] heart” (Eccl. 11:10) and live in enjoyment of what God has given me, using my gifts to serve others.

What's the message of Job?

This is a paper I just finished writing for my Old Testament Literature class. I was to reflect on the meaning of the book of Job as it was discussed in class, reflect on an article by Larry Crabb, and discuss why I was choosing to serve God. If you would like to read the article by Crabb, here's the link to it: http://people.cedarville.edu/employee/millerc/otsurvey/paper/crabb.pdf

The study of Job we did in class gave me an entirely new perspective on the book. I had read the book of Job before taking this class, but I hadn’t put much thought into what the point was (in fact, I rarely questioned the meaning of the Bible until I came to Cedarville). The whole book itself never really made sense to me. All I got out of it was, Look how big God is…don’t question his authority! It was enlightening to find that the book answers the question, Why do we serve God? When contemplating why I serve God, I had come up with answers like, I do it because of the eternal rewards, or, Because I will have so much satisfaction in life if I serve God. Sometimes I have thought about how much God loves it when His children serve and obey Him, but I now realize that my reasons for serving God were primarily selfish.

I was intrigued by Crabb’s discussion about his minister friend who wasn’t finding satisfaction in serving Christ, so he turned his back on his family and his ministry to find satisfaction in a flesh-pleasing relationship. Crabb wrote, “But if God becomes the means and our happiness becomes the point, then we are self-obsessed pragmatists, not worshippers. When God is the point and obedience designed to bring him pleasure becomes the focus, then there will eventually be a fullness of joy that makes sin unthinkable and unappealing, thoroughly repulsive.” I have often found myself doing my devotions “because God will bless me.” What I need to be thinking is how learning more about His Word makes me equipped to serve Him better.

His greatness is enough for us to worship and honor and serve God. Job thought that since he was blameless in God’s sight, that he deserved to be blessed by God. No doubt, Job was thankful for his blessings from God, and worked hard to make sure that his children were right with God as well. But when God allowed Job’s possessions to be taken away and his health spent, Job protested with, God, why? I think I would too, if I were in his situation. Job even went so far as to accuse God of wronging him. That means he expected God to continue to give him earthly blessings because he had been blameless in His sight. It is as if he felt that God owed him, and was being unfair by allowing him to be hurt. God owes us nothing!

A relationship with God consists of being thoroughly in awe of who God is and being abundantly grateful for the gift of life He has granted. He didn’t have to create a beautiful world with amazing creatures for us to behold -- but He did. He didn’t have to make us capable of maintaining enjoyable relationships with other humans -- but He did. And He certainly didn’t have to make a glorious plan to save mankind from the consequences of our sins by sending His only Son to take our place -- but He did! He gives me life and breath every day…what better reason is there to serve Him? He let me live when I deserved to die. He allows me to live a life under His grace, and not under the law. I do not deserve anything He gives me. I do not worship Him because I want to live another day, rather I worship Him because I don’t deserve to be living and He gave me the gift of life anyway. He’s just that good.

Instead of asking God to bless me, I should be in continual awe of the fact that God still makes the world run the way it’s supposed to. He holds the universe in place. As a line from one of my favorite songs says,“The slightest glimpse of You brought me down to my knees.” He SPOKE and the stars appeared. He cares about each creature He made, no matter how small. He who is Great listens to even the most petty of my concerns. He who is Holy forgave the adulterous Israelites numerous times when he could have just wiped them off the face of the earth. Getting merely a glimpse of who He is and what He has done (through the Bible and creation) should make me want to serve Him. I need to see God as my only hope for eternal satisfaction. Sure, my selfish desires will not be fulfilled in this life. Being a Christian may even make life harder than it would be without following God. The real wondrousness of serving Christ comes from the eternity spent with Him. To anticipate a greater intimacy and closeness with God (like what we will experience in heaven) is not a selfish reason to follow God, because He wants to get to know me better too!

So, to summarize my rambling thoughts, I want to challenge myself to worship God for who He is, not for what I expect Him to do for me. I do not want to expect blessings from Him on this earth, but instead I want live with the constant realization that I do not deserve to be loved and cared for by such an amazing God. He is so good, and that’s why I serve Him. Like Crabb was saying, when I focus on obeying God merely to please my awesome God, I will eventually not even want to sin, but will be filled with joy over how privileged I am to serve such an awesome God. I want to see each day as a gift from God, and use it to serve God and bring Him pleasure.

Homesickness

I have been feeling extremely, painfully homesick lately. I really miss all the great things that are back at home. I have a wonderful immediate family and an awesome extended family that lives nearby back home. I love being at Cedarville where I am surrounded by awesome friends that genuinely care, but I still long for home.

My friend Tyler Scott mentioned something yesterday, about longing for heaven. This world is a set-up to make us want more than there is. What happens in this world should make us long for heaven. My words cannot do justice the exact phrase Tyler said, but I tried.

So in my homesickness, I see how much I need to be longing for heaven as I live on this world. I must live with purpose where I am now, but continue to be longing for heaven every step of the way. Its great for me to be longing for home and missing my family, because it shows how much I treasure them in my life. But I can't let that get in the way of where I am now. So this state of "missing home" must go down to the bottom of the list of priorities as I set my mind on honoring God by doing well in my studies. (But I'm still counting down until October 14th -- Fall Break!!) As far as my feelings go (missing home hurts), God satisfies. He speaks in the silence in a still, small voice, waiting for me to draw near to him.

"Don't waste it. Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the max every situation you believe to be in the will of God."

~Jim Elliot

Abstract Philosophy

I am puzzled by people who think a meaningful conversation can consist of abstract thoughts that probably will not have any impact in the world. I could never be a philosophy major because of this. I get completely lost when people start talking about abstract things that I don't think relates to anything tangible. I am not a shallow thinker, rather, I quite enjoy deep thinking. In my mind, however, I need to make connections between the deep thoughts and how they apply here and now, or the near future. When the deep thoughts extend beyond these, I get completely lost and start asking myself What are we accomplishing by talking about this? How does this relate to where I am in life? How can this help me later on in life? Is this conversation a waste of time? I think people can sit around and talk about nothing in particular and build their relationship by spending time with each other (not a waste of time). I think "meaningless" conversations can be held with the purpose of amusement (not a waste of time)... which brings me to the thought that perhaps people who talk about abstract philosophical things do it for their own amusement. It's just not for me. I don't enjoy talking about things that do not relate to living life now or in the near future. Is there anything wrong with choosing not to improve my mind in abstract philosophy? This question leads me to a bigger question. What is abstract philosophy good for?

God is so good. When I am completely confused and lost, God shows himself Sovereign amidst it all.

So... good story from the past couple of weeks (this is the short-ish version):

I came back to Cedarville hoping to make it onto a HeartSong touring team (there is a significant salary that comes with the job, and it would help ends meet as far as school expenses go). I was not expecting to get on a team, but I had high hopes because of encouragement my friends and family had sending my way. When I didn't make callbacks for the touring team, I decided to try for a youth ministry touring team, just to see if God had that in mind for me. I didn't really have time to get my hopes up over the youth ministry touring team spot, so it didn't bother me much when I didn't make it onto a team. I began to think of all the things I could do since I didn't have a job on a touring team (it would involve me being on tour all summer). I thought about missions trips I could go on, or even the possibilities of working at a camp next summer. I started to get excited about all the things I could get involved in at Cedarville. Then the parental forces reminded me that it would be a good idea to get a job. I was getting ready to leave for a family camping trip, so setting up a job before leaving didn't sound like the best idea, as I would need to find a substitution right away. So I decided to put that off until after family camping. A couple of days before I left for my trip (two days, to be exact) an Army recruiter came to my nursing class to talk about scholarship opportunities. I thought, hmmm, I have never really put much thought into Army ROTC... why not find out more? Well, it turned out that I needed to decide by that Thursday to sign up for the Military Science class to begin the process of joining the program. I stacked up all the benefits and decided to go for it. I got all my class-adding paperwork in Thursday afternoon before leaving to go home. After an enjoyable weekend with the extended family, I got back to school and resumed classes with a lack of enthusiasm for homework (I had gotten a little behind from being gone all weekend).

Monday morning I went to PT (physical training) and ran and did push-ups and burpees and diamond push-ups and sit-ups until I felt like I was going to throw up. It felt good though... until I started falling asleep in every class the rest of the day.

On Tuesday I didn't have PT in the morning, but had my first Military Science class later in the day. I enjoyed the class, and it didn't seem like it would be too hard.

On Wednesday I woke up at 4:30 to run in to PT with the Army ROTC girls. It was a five mile run in, and I had injured my leg slightly in tennis class the day before. I ran on the leg with pain on every other step, hoping adrenaline would kick in any minute (it didn't). The pain in my knee got worse as the day went on. I ended up limping to every class, hopping up and down stairs, and falling asleep in class from exhaustion. (I had been going to bed early, at the expense of not being prepared for class the next day.) I was frustrated because my leg wasn't feeling great, and other factors were welling up inside of me. I had been feeling homesick ever since I got back from the family camping trip (I got all choked up every time I would talk to my parents on the phone, even when I would leave a message on either of their phones). At lunch on Wednesday, all my emotions exploded. I was eating lunch with a dear friend, and she asked me how things were going. I began to weep as I told her how confused I was, not knowing why I was so emotional. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't know why I was doing Army ROTC because I didn't hardly have time to ask myself why. I kept crying because I didn't know what God wanted for my life, and everything was so uncertain. I couldn't stop crying pretty much the rest of the day (I was able to suck it up for my ROTC field lab). My eyes hurt because I had been crying so much. I talked to my parents and some friends, and later in the evening I had come to the consensus that I would stick with Army ROTC for a few more weeks just to make sure that I gave God time to tell me if it was the right thing to do. I felt that since I had jumped into it so suddenly, I shouldn't jump right out of it just as suddenly.

Thursday I received an email that the 75% refund period for dropping classes was ending on Friday. I prayed about dropping the class right away, and everything I had been talking about with my parents and grandparents started to come together into one unified thought. The Army is not for me. I just knew it. I knew that I could endure the physical challenges and the mental challenges that come with Army ROTC, but I didn't think I could do it emotionally. I am really close to my family (it's hard enough being 6 hours away at Cedarville). I couldn't fathom being far away for four years after school with only 30 vacation days a year. I knew I had to drop the program. I had also been thinking about why I joined the program. I joined the program so that I could have the money to finish at Cedarville debt free. Then I asked myself why I wanted to stay at Cedarville. Well, because I love the ministry opportunities and all the neat events to volunteer for, and I love my friends here. I then realized that I would not be able to keep up with all that if I was juggling 18 credit hours and labs and homework and studying. I am missing out on the things that I love about Cedarville by joining ROTC so that I can stay all four years. I talked to my advisor, and she was very encouraging about the situation. She commended me for trying the program, and got me set up to drop the class. After all the logistics went through of dropping the class and withdrawing from the program, I felt an immense peace. God immediately provided a job interview on campus (that I am still waiting to hear back from), and an opportunity to help lead worship at a nearby church with some friends. Right now I feel like I am exactly where God wants me, and I am open to wherever he will take me next, even if it does mean leaving Cedarville. I don't want my desires to stay at Cedarville to fight against God's beautiful plans for me. So I am going to live like it's my last year here, and be open to whatever God has in store. I want to get involved in ministry, volunteer at various events, and put 100% into my studies. I can't wait to see what God has for me. Now I only need to develop the patience to live out each day without wondering what's next, because I'll never know until God wants me to know.

I know that God is good! HE IS... SOVEREIGN!

Good emotions

Lately I have been extremely emotional. And I love it. I have been overwhelmed daily by God's love for me. When I am in chapel, I find myself pausing and praying during the singing time as I am blown away by the words of the songs. I cried at least 3 times when I read "The Shack" over the weekend. The author portrays God's love in such a beautiful, relational way. I get choked up when I talk to my family on the phone and they tell me how much they love me or demonstrate it in a really neat way. I get full of happy feelings when my roommate gives me a hug and asks me how my day was. Lately I have been privileged to experience real love (the love of God) in a tangible way. And I love it! I love God's love. God's love isn't just a feeling that we get when God does something neat. God's love is expressed through other believers. I am so blessed to be surrounded by His beautiful, immeasurable, tangible love. This song by John Mark Mcmillin has blessed me lately. It's called "Oh how he loves us."

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

[Whispered]: Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died and You met me between my breaking
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony
...they want to tell me You're cruel
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...[voice breaks]...

Cause He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Loving a Stranger

How does one show the love of God to a complete stranger? To someone who doesn't have time to talk to you? For example, a cashier at Walmart. Is a friendly smile and a few kind words enough? Can something as simple as that communicate the love of God, without making it obvious that I am a follower of Christ? I need to be more intentional about spreading God's love, because it is my purpose on this earth! The world doesn't need a "religion" fed to them. They need to see Christians loving them, loving each other, and loving others.

A brief, yet important train of thought...

Why is it so hard to shut down my computer and go to bed?

I don't really have anything in particular on which to reflect this evening. I had mentioned in an earlier post, and I quote, "If I have absolutely nothing to write on any given day, then it should be a sign to me that I am not really living a life filled with Christ." I look back and disagree with myself. My day seemed to be a beautiful reflection of enjoying the life God has given me. I woke up at 7:30 AM without an alarm and took a shower right away. I finished my humanities outline while eating breakfast. I enjoyed watching several episodes of The Office: Season 2, outside on the patio since it was a beautiful day. (That was my way of rewarding myself for getting my outline done.) I went to babysit the Macfields, and ended up bringing them to my house to swim and play tennis. After a family dinner... yes, all six of us, in the same house! (what a blessing), I went over to my cousins' house to feed Murphy and take him for a run. After running about 1.5 miles with him, I watched another episode of The Office (I had to do something while I stretched!). It was getting dark, so I speedily ran another 1.5 miles home, where I was enticed by my swimming pool with the pool cover off still. I enjoyed a lovely 9:30PM swim with my two younger brothers. I don't think I need to get something philosophically or spiritually profound out of my day in order to have a Spirit-filled life. I feel His joy by enjoying the blessings He has granted me.

Procrastination

I have found that I am an excellent procrastinator. I am not proud of it. I can't think of a single thing that is better if put off for a long time... except... perhaps I can safely procrastinate "finding a husband," even though I'm not looking for one. But really, procrastination may be my biggest weakness. It is a huge problem, and I want to fix it. I must figure out why I procrastinate, to be able to come up with a long-term solution for the problem. I think it all comes down to "what I wanna do," or "what I would rather do." I would rather play Upwords with my family than write my humanities outline that has been hanging over me all weekend like a vulture over a gazelle carcass. I would rather go to bed early than write my humanities outline. I would rather plan a surprise for my sister's birthday than write my humanities outline. I would rather clean the kitchen than write my humanities outline. I would rather go running with Murphy (cousin's dog) than write my humanities outline. I just don't wanna do it! The longer I say "I don't wanna," the easier it is for me to put it off. I tell myself that I will feel much more motivated if I do something pleasurable before starting working on the outline. But once I do something fun and start on the outline, then I just want to keep having fun. I really just need to change my attitude about the procrastinated task before it eats me alive. I could get so much done if I convinced myself that I was interested in the subject material. I really do enjoy the history of art, literature, and music, and I find it very interesting how they all relate to each other in the grand scheme of things. I really am interested in it. Now I merely have to come up with motivators. If I write a really good outline, it will make the paper really easy for me to write later this week, and I can turn it in early and get extra credit! Now THAT'S a motivator. Whenever I feel like saying, "I don't wanna!" I should tell myself "I really want to do this; the sooner, the better!" It's all an attitude adjustment. I'm not lying to myself; I'm simply kicking the virus out of my system and letting myself be run by the ultimate operating system. This operating system is full of purpose! Procrastination keeps me from living a purposeful life. I need to surrender my procrastination to the Lord, and ask Him to keep my attitude in check and give me joy in accomplishing the necessary tasks in life. Is it really that simple?

I did actually have a good day at Old Navy today. I don't know if I just got lucky to not run into grumpy customers, or maybe God sent me a bunch of "angels" in the form of pleasant shoppers. Or maybe God helped me to focus on the good things that happened throughout the day. It may have had something to do with me only working 5 hours today. Whatever it was, it was a good day, and I want to keep giving God control of my attitude.

I thought this quote by Charles Swindol adequately summed up everything I have reflected on today:

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.

So I will wake up tomorrow morning and choose the attitude that I want to have -- one that is full of purpose.

It's not about me.

I went to Mars Hill Church this morning, and Rob Bell gave the message. He got down to the bottom of why we gather together (why we go to church). Since I knew it would be a compelling message, I made sure to take detailed notes so I could remember the message so God could continue to teach me through it. Rob mentioned how in the times before Christ, the Jews did many things to be sacred/set apart. Their temple was the very dwelling place of God, and was therefore sacred/holy/set apart. The high priest was set apart and wore special garments to distinguish him as the mediator between man and God. When Christ died, the temple curtain into the Holy of Holies (the place where only the high priest was allowed, where he would talk to God) was split in two, showing that we no longer needed the high priest to mediate for us. The people could then speak to God directly. I had heard that point made many times, but what Rob said next opened up a window to a new realm of thought for me. "Not only could people then go in and talk to God, but God could then COME OUT." Many Christians still keep God boxed into the church building, but HE IS EVERYWHERE. According to I Corinthians 3:16, we (Christians) are God's temple, and God's Spirit lives in us. So before Christ's death, there were two separate realms: the sacred and the common. But now, God's dwelling place is in us, the common. The sacred is found in the common! Many people go to church to find God... but He is everywhere! The purpose of a sermon should be to heighten our awareness of God in everything else. I'm not talking like, "God is in the tree," or "God is in the flower." I'm saying, "I saw God in that situation," and "God brought this person into my life for a reason," and "God blessed me in this today," and "That was a God-thing." I use that last one often. I now realize that EVERYTHING IS A GOD-THING. I am just not always looking for Him.

I really liked one thing that Rob Bell said in response to Matthew 25 (whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me). He said, "Real followers are the ones who find Jesus in the least of these. They can see everyone as a sacred creation of God, infinitely valued by the creator. It made me ask myself how much I really value others. It is easy to value those who are encouraging to me. But do I value those who don't really care about me? It's easy to honor those who have power and money and can give to me in various ways, but do I honor the person who cannot give anything in return? The people living on the street who really look like they have messed up their lives are sacred creations of God. I need to value them as Christ does. The people who cannot keep any friends because they are bitter and malicious are sacred creations of God. I need to value them as Christ does. I need to stop walking through life with this consumer mentality, always looking for how someone can help me. I need to instead walk through life with a servant mentality, seeking what I can give to others. The bitter, malicious, friendless person needs Jesus. The homeless person needs Jesus.

That brings me to another point. Mars Hill recently started a ministry called the "White Bucket Project." They started by collecting donations in these white buckets during a church service. They then formed a group that found people in the community who had financial needs, and they consulted 300 some families and individuals. They found out what their specific needs were, and they worked to help their needs. So far, they have given over $40,000 to needy families and individuals. Now THAT is what church is about. It's about serving others. It's not about gathering together to produce happy feelings like, "Oh isn't it great that I'm able to get away from my crazy school schedule and sit and worship with all these other believers!" Yes, that's great... but that's not what it's all about. My worship should be exploding out of my being every day! I should be looking for God in my job, in my relationships, in my schoolwork, because my goal in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him. How am I to enjoy Him if I can't even see Him because I'm not looking? I liked a line from the movie Prince Caspian. When Lucy saw Aslan and Peter didn't, Peter said, "Why didn't I see him?" Lucy replied, "Maybe you weren't looking for him." That line always gives me chills down my spine.

On a separate topic, I was reading in Psalms after the service this morning and found a verse that stuck out to me. Psalm 113:9 says, "He settles the barren woman in her home -- as a happy mother of children." Some may take this verse to mean that he gives the barren woman children. Although God has done this many times in the past (Hannah the mother of Samuel, Elizabeth the mother of John the Baptist, Rachel the mother of Joseph and Benjamin, and many others) I took a different interpretation of the verse. I took it to mean that God satisfies the barren woman where she is. She longs to have children, but God reveals to her that He is her strength and her portion. She finds happiness in the Lord. I then put a spin on it for my own application. God sees the single girl who desires to have someone close to her to love and cherish her, and he satisfies her with His love. He makes her as happy as she would be if she had that desire fulfilled.

Yet I am always with you;

you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

~Psalm 73:23-26

I especially like that last verse. God is my strength and my portion forever. he knows what's best for me, so I need not fear any uncertainty in life, because He knows what He's doing. It's all a God-thing.

This was going to be a shorter post, but I get to thinking... then words explode out of my fingers and onto the keyboard of my white MacBook (affectionately called "Lily the Leopard" for the leopard print skin on the front). I'm trying to get in the habit of going to bed before 11pm, and I'm cutting it close tonight. One more thought...I'm working at Old Navy, and I need to get my attitude into shape. I have worked at Old Navy for two years now, and it's getting old. I'm getting more fed up with customers and generally annoyed with many things about the job. When it all comes down to it, I have been feeding a selfish spirit, thinking that I need to be doing something that makes me happy, and retail isn't doing it for me. I need to be thankful that God has let me keep this job, and see it as mission field. It's not about me, it's about glorifying God by serving others.

Beginnings

I recently decided (today, in fact) that I needed to start blogging. My first thought spurning from this decision was, "But won't it just be another time waster late at night keeping me from sleeping?" I quickly silenced that thought, insisting to myself that this blog will help me sleep at night, as I gather thoughts in my head and organize them into a coherent form on the Internet. I want to spend more time on this blog than on facebook (which means that I will have to drastically shorten my time on facebook each day). I pray that this blog will help me to discover more vividly how I relate to God by reflecting on how I saw Him in my day, or how I see him working in a specific area in my life. I don't want this blog to become a burden, an imposition on my schedule, or an obligation, rather I want it to be a tool to keep me accountable for how richly I am living life. If I have absolutely nothing to write on any given day, then it should be a sign to me that I am not really living a life filled with Christ. So I begin...

I read a lot today. I actually started and completed a whole book all in one day. I don't think I have ever done that before. I read "Of Knights and Fair Maidens" by Jeff and Danielle Myers. It's another one of those "dating books;" more specifically, this book is about courtship. I came away from reading that book without having any revolutionary thoughts or making a decision to change my way of thinking about relationships. I don't really know what I thought about it. I think what bothered me about it was that it listed multitudinous ways to make courtship work really well, that is, without emotional pain. I agree with avoiding pain in the context of avoiding an abusive relationship, but the book listed scores of topics for a courting couple to talk about to prepare themselves for marriage. The book even suggests that the man find out how much time it takes to care for a house, and that he knows how to fix things that break (windows, doors, faucets, the furnace, etc.). It also suggests that the couple discuss "What rituals do you go through before starting on a business trip? Going to bed? Going on vacation? Getting ready in the morning? Do you prefer to talk or not talk at those times?" Although those are helpful things to find out before marriage, I think many of the things the book lists can be figured out after the couple is married, and the couple can still thrive as married people. The book seemed to suggest a "happily ever after" that could be achieved by following all the ideas written in its pages. Everyone knows that marriage is not "happily ever after." It takes a lot of hard work to keep going, but it is so worth it! So many people are enamored with the view that life is about making sure that you are happy. Life is not about "happily ever afters." Life entails much pain, but it is often through the painful times (more often than the happy times) that God teaches us the most about ourselves and our relationship to Him.

That reminds me of something I read yesterday that Shauna Niequist wrote in her book "Cold Tangerines." She was discussing how people are searching for something permanent in their lives. A permanent home, a permanent job, a permanent church family... something to remain stable so they can feel secure. She wrote,

"Everything is interim. Everything is a path or a preparation for the next thing, and we never know what the next thing is. Life is like that, of course, twisty and surprising. But life with God is like that exponentially. We can dig in , make plans, write in stone, pretend we're not listening, but the voice of God has a way of being heard. It seeps in life smoke or vapor even when we have barred the door against any last-minute changes, and it moves us to different countries and different emotional territories and different ways of living. It keeps us moving and dancing and watching, and never lets us drop down into a life set on cruise control or a life ruled by a remote control. Life with God is a daring dream, full of flashes and last-minute exits and generally all the things we've said we'll never do. And with the surprises comes great hope."

I believe that hope is that God has it all under control. When I think I have it under control to prevent unpleasant or uncertain things from happening, God throws a curve ball to show me that as much as I plan away my whole life, He is the one who really controls it all. And I love that!... because I know that I am in God's hands... and that is the best place to be [I first wrote "the safest place to be," but then I realized that a life full of Christ is not about being safe; it is about glorifying Him not matter the cost].

So, combining my last two thoughts, one can prepare and prepare for marriage, but they cannot possibly be totally prepared for the wild ride God has planned. The most important thing is that the couple is truly committed to staying together "til death do us part," "for better or worse, rich or poor," you get the picture. I'm not completely discrediting the book "Of Knights and Fair Maidens"; I suggest you read it (less than 120 pages; easy read) and contemplate if you want to take a form of courtship with your future relationship, or with the one you have right now. The book has some good tips.

Now, if you are still reading, I want to write one more thing before I retire this evening. I was driving home from a slightly mediocre day at Old Navy (my place of employment) in which I fought a bad attitude in myself all day (upon which I will probably elaborate in another post), and I heard this beautiful song by Addison Road called "What Do I Know of Holy." Upon hearing the first three lines of the song, I knew it would be one of those songs that I simply must purchase on iTunes immediately and listen to it over and over and reflect on it. The lyrics are wonderful, but you really must listen to it for yourself to get the full effect of the song.

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

It made me realize again how unworthy I am of God's attention and grace. I am a lowly human being who can scarcely comprehend what Holy means. I serve a Big God who created me and knows how dirty and sinful I am, and yet he lavishes his grace on me daily! It brings me to tears as I write this. He has been and is continually so good to me, yet I barely make time to spend fifteen minutes in His word every day. I should be so enraptured by the mystery of God's love, that I should be reaching out to him daily, yearning to learn from His word how much he loves me.

Congratulations if you made it to the end of this post. I am not writing it to be easy to read; I am writing it merely to gather my thoughts so that I may learn more from each day. I hope that you are edified and encouraged to draw nearer to God by reading this blog.